I have a lot of church hurt. I grew up in legalism. Then I went to a church for 6 years that now is coming out as a cult. I finally came to a new church in June. It’s so refreshing. I feel like over time I’ve just gotten too much law. Feeling like I have to earn the Gospel, even though I know this isn’t true. But it’s what my heart believes, lives out. My perception of God is so skewed. I feel like I can’t approach him unless I’m living right and “perfect“. So when I sin, I pull away and distract myself with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m also dealing with a lot of trauma from my past. I’m mad that God made me such a deep feeler, because I dwell on stuff and collect trauma like a duster to a dust mite. I can’t let the stuff go. I feel that I won’t be able to heal from the trauma until I surrender to God and heal in my spiritual life. But I don’t know how. It’s not a quick fix and I am so drained. It’s a mindset I’ve had for 15+ years. When the radio talks about our worth in Jesus, I cry. Because I want to believe that, it just doesn’t stick. I want an actually relationship with God. And not just feel like he’s judging me and kicking me from my mistakes telling me if I sin, he’s disgusted and going to send me right to hell. Please send prayers. I need guidance. I need healing. I need protection from these unhealthy coping mechanisms. I need healthy ones. And I need some extra days of rest, but with a young child, that is difficult, so maybe that he would be content playing by himself today so I can rest. I need peace. I need love. I need freedom.